I've been feeling sick lately. Physically ill in this "I think I'm gonna vomit. Wait, no.." kinda way. It's been going on for maybe 4 or 5 days now. I've been restless yet sleeping almost half of every day. I need naps now after work.
Recently, I can't stand being awake. I only wake up because I have to go to work. And even that has been difficult. I want to live in my dreams, not my reality. I want to close my eyes and forget about my pain and suffering... shove it back down instead of really letting it take me.
One of my dear students that I am close to gave me her thoughts today. She is so perceptive, I love hearing her advice or any input she has. It's almost as though I'm her student sometimes :) ...She told me she thinks that this illness is not a flu, but a psychological illness that I have created for myself. In order to escape my stress and pain, I can put the blame on feeling sick. Yet I literally feel sick, and maybe she is right, it is because of my psychological sickness.
It's not that I'm a mental case or have some mental disease. At least I don't think I do. I'm just dealing with a sudden surge of emotional stress and worries and depression.
I recently got out of a very intense relationship with a man that I loved very much. I don't want to get into details, but it didn't work out because of personal differences. At the time that we split, I felt the decision was the right one. Since then I have had some doubts and questions of whether it was what I wanted or just what I was told to want or what I thought I wanted. It's all very confusing. Anyways, it happened and he didn't do much/anything to stop it, so there you go.
The same day we split I met someone very fun and interesting for me. He was also interested in me, and we spent a lot of time together. It was like a sign from above, leave your worries behind and just move on, there's plenty of fish in the sea, and they may even treat you better. Yeah. But then after a week or two went by it hit all at once, I never even took the time to treat myself emotionally after this big change. I just went with it and ignored what common sense to take care of my insides. I got really sad and realized that I wasn't over my ex. Here is this new great guy and I haven't even figured out the last one. I haven't even figured out why I keep getting involved and why I can't stand to be alone with myself.
Now we are going on a trip. One I wanted and asked for and was very pleased to be offered. I'm going on an adventure.
But I'm sick to my stomach with worries, stress, sadness, confusion, pain.
I've needed this vacation for a long time now, I deserve it. I have been working all through my twenties with no breaks. No time for me. No time to figure me out. Here I am in a foreign country working all the time and getting sick to my stomach because I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. Not with men, not with my future, my 'career', not with ME. I don't know me anymore and it hurts.
So maybe I'm sick because I ate a rotten raspberry, or maybe because I'm paranoid about risking my life/putting it in someone elses hands, or maybe it's because I'm sick of torturing myself by being this person. It's all very dark and too deep for me to even understand.
I guess a therapist would help.
Or maybe I should just go back to sleep.
I want this feeling in my gut to go away, but I just don't know how to make it happen.
