Self Reflection

Some people will spend their whole lives trying to find stability. The ultimate goal is to avoid all possible changes that may disrupt their regular, comfortable lives.

I, however, have got into a pattern of disrupting and changing any stability in my life. Maybe as a way to test it (will it be here tomorrow if I poke at it a bit or neglect it?) and show that all things are not fixed, they are truly mutable.
Alteration, static, chaos even. I seem to be lost in my own chaotic magnetism.
Yet, it wouldn't seem so from an outside perspective.
Once you get inside your perception may shift. Here I am, a young woman - lost in a foreign country, and dealing with the outcomes of my own frantic decision-making - yet I'm acting as though everything is OK.

Last night a close girl friend of mine came over for tea. We hadn't had a real conversation in weeks, and we are both having some gemini insanity in our lives, so it was time to vent.
It was only when we sat together face-to-face that we were able to confront the negative realities that we have created for ourselves. We aren't satisfied with our lives, we want more - where is the creative energy that we know exists somewhere inside of us? What has happened to our drive, our youthfulness?
We are getting older. We are bored of the same things. We no longer want to get drunk with our friends and talk about nothing.
Where is the art, the music, the community, the action??
Confusion. Totally lost. It's not here. Or is it?

When I first moved to Prague I was in a dream-like state. Everything was new (well old actually), interesting. The culture was one I hadn't experienced before so I took it in with wide eyes. I was excited for what this city could offer me and what I could give it back in return.
I wasn't sure I wanted to get stuck here (I had plans to go to Spain for some time and learn Spanish), but I thought I could at least try it for a year and see how it goes.

Fast forward nine months later, here I am, with some memorable experiences under my belt, uninspired, and to be frank, bitter as sin.

I come from a family of people that love to complain. I have, regretfully, picked up this trait and have carried it with me throughout my life. Isn't it ever enough, some ask? No. Nothing is ever enough. Satisfaction is not guaranteed and there will always be problems.

What I realize from this is that I need a complete attitude makeover. This is not some small task, I have two decades of evil patterns to reverse. So now the question is HOW?

We always hear: Fight or flight.

Run away from Prague? No, I will never get away from MYSELF.

So fight? But who and in what way? I could fight the man, that always made me feel good - working for the underdog, the ones who always get left in the gutter.
But I did my fair share of social activism and I got tired of it, I still care but I need something else.
I need ideas/inspiration, a loving community (without the high school drama and fake friendships and drug dependencies), independent and interdependent creativity, some job/work that makes me not hate my life!

I want freedom to choose what I do and not have someone breathing down my neck (boss, parent, controlling spouse, etc) but in return I do not want to breathe down anyone else's neck.

This is my task. I am on a mission and it's not the Mormon kind.